Thursday, October 6, 2011

A Known Loss

My previous experience {HERE}.

Many of y'all are probably wondering why I've been MIA from the personal blog world (I've actually been posting on the craft blog---maybe it's my therapy). One reason is this coming Saturday---as in two days---I'm helping to put on our Church's craft day. It recently became more significant because it's the last activity we'll have together because our congregation just split (because of growth) this past Sunday.

The other reason is that I had another miscarriage. No, that wasn't a typo.

Over Labor Day weekend, we went up to Gramma's, just north of Austin. We had a GREAT time (which I will soon blog about). I was feeling a little tired, slightly overwhelmed, and sensitive. I passed my monthly time, but didn't think anything of it because I've been a little longer since my first miscarriage (weird to write THAT sentence). Greg even teased me that I might be pregnant. The Thursday after we got home--also Jared's first day of preschool, I took a test (only because I wanted to prove Greg wrong), and there were two lines. I was SO excited, but cautious, for good reasons. We didn't tell anyone and decided we wouldn't say anything until we heard the heartbeat. I didn't even get that far.

Three days later, I started having cramps. I didn't think anything of it, until I started to bleed. Then, I broke down & managed to break the news to Greg. He gave me a sweet blessing; he was so optimistic--- in hind sight, I think he was just trying to keep me from losing myself. I called the 24-Hr Nurse and asked her what I should do. She said, if it got worse, I needed to go to the ER. Unfortunately, it got worse. So, we dropped the kids off at a friend's--same amazing person from last time--and went to the ER.

Five hours, two vials of blood drawn, too many uncomfortable exams, and a crushing BYU loss later (the BYU-Texas game was on in our room), our fears were confirmed and I was having an early miscarriage. A couple days later, Greg & I went to my normal OBGYN. She confirmed everything and said I passed most of it already. I thought I hadn't since the pain this time was no where near last time. Last time--- physical trial. This time--- emotional.

We also asked her about the future, should we started to monitor me as soon as pregnancy is possible? Can we figure out the problem? etc, etc. She told us that two miscarriages is still an anomaly, and that we shouldn't worry because my body has carried two full-term babies already. I normally LOVE my doctor, but this really bugged me. She's basically saying she wants me to go through this again before they do anything to prevent it. Two in a four month period doesn't seem normal. Half of my pregnancies haven't worked. Pass, I'm thinking second opinion might be in order.

Since that night in the ER, I haven't been myself. It seems that I can't close the door on this experience, finish the grieving process. Funny enough, writing this down is helping because I'm not keeping it inside anymore. Luckily, we have an AMAZING ward family and SO many people helped, loved, mourned with, and supported us. I have numerous friends who have been in the exact position I'm at right now and they've been a huge support to me. I also have Greg which makes all the difference.

I'm not going to lie. This month has been hard, but it's something that no one can fix. Correction, it's something that only ONE PERSON can fix. The one person who knows exactly how I feel, knows my pain, knows my struggles, Jesus Christ. I need to be able to trust Him, and my Heavenly Father's plan for me, and know that everything will be alright. Over the past few weekends, we've been able to listen to {prophets & apostles}. A LOT of those talks seem to speak to me (Uchtdorf from RS meeting, Anderson, Cook, Monson, some even mentioned the question, why do good people go through bad things?

Elder Robert D. Hales, in the Sunday morning session, answered my question:
As we ask these questions, we realize that the purpose of our life on earth is to grow, develop, and be strengthened through our own experiences. How do we do this? The scriptures give us an answer in one simple phrase: we “wait upon the Lord.”12 Tests and trials are given to all of us. These mortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow His Son. He already knows, and we have the opportunity to learn, that no matter how difficult our circumstances, “all these things shall [be for our] experience, and … [our] good.”13

It STINKS to go through trials BUT we don't go through them alone IF we TRUST IN THE LORD. Maybe I went through these experiences to deepen my faith & conviction in the Lord, maybe I went through them to empathy towards my family & friends future struggles, who knows? I don't, but the Lord does. He knows what I need to go through in order to grow in my eternal capabilities. He knows what I can handle, if I just let Him help me. He knows, so it's okay.

It's so hard to have faith, but it's worth it. I have two happy, healthy & intelligent kids. I have a wonderful husband who pushes me to grow & improve each day. I have wonderful parents who continue to teach me lessons. I have an amazing extended family (in-laws included) who help me feel love and appreciated. I have talents that I share to help others. I have a Savior that loves me and feels my pain.

So, how could I not be thankful?

8 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear you had another miscarriage. I don't know what else to say other than sorry and I love you. *hugs*

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  2. Sorry about your loss, Amber. We all have our own struggles and I know that you're strong enough to get through it. It is comforting to know that there is Someone who knows all we are going through, right? Thinking of you.

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  3. So sorry Amber. Thank you for sharing- I needed this today. I'm having a d&c tomorrow morning. Hugs to you.

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  4. Saw the link to your blog on FB. I had no idea about this. So sorry! You are such a strong and amazing woman! I don't know you all that well, but I admire you. Please let me know if I can do anything for you.

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  5. So sorry, love. It always helps to write things down... even if not publicly. ;-) That has really been helpful to me in dealing with my RA and the stress of opening our business. And talking to you always helps, too. :-)

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  6. Hang in there dear. You have amazing faith, things will work out for the best.

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  7. So sorry Amber and Greg for both of your losses. No one really knows what to say when you lose a baby and I'm sorry just doesn't seem to cut it. Wish I wasn't so far away cause I'd give both of you a great big hug and bring you chicken soup! Love you guys.

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  8. At this point in my life, I can only imagine what you are going through. I remember that while we were trying to get pregnant with Parker, an OB told me that she thought I had PCOS and that it was going to be hard to get pregnant for us. I went home and literally BALLED for about an hour on my bed. I just couldn't take it. It was so hard!
    Then, later I had a sonogram done and they told me that my ovaries were totally normal and there were absolutely no cysts at all.
    Anyway, it was still a really hard time for me.
    But anyway I just want to say that you inspire me! I'm getting all crafty now and I even made a Mormon profile because I saw the one you made and decided to make one too! So thanks for being you and God bless you to find the faith and courage to try again, when you have completed your mourning process and feel ready. Love Trish

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